Here's a copy of the letter I wrote to my injury a couple of years ago. When my counselor asked me to write to my injury, describing my anger, I thought "Well this won't take long, because I'm not angry." Three days later I finished the letter. Three long, tear filled days. I never realized that I was angry until I started writing. For some reason, this letter helped me get rid of the anger too. I'm not the same person I was before I started the letter. I'm not angry anymore, in fact, I think I'm happier now than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm retired now and spend all my time with my wife, who happens to be my best friend and soulmate. We truly enjoy each other and seem happiest when we're together.
When you read the letter, you'll see a part that decribes how I miss my lineman tools and how I wish I had them back. While I was judging the Linemans Rodeo at Holter Dam a few years ago in July, something quite magical occurred. I had just finished judging my events and was going back to our motorhome on my four wheeler when a young man stepped in front of me. He said, "Do you know who I am?" I said, "No, I can't say that I do." He went on to introduce himself as the fellow that I had sold my tools to after my injury. I said, "No kiddin'! You still have 'em?" He said. "I sure do. In fact I competed in them this morning. Would you like to take a look at them?" I said, "I sure would!" With that, he led the way to his pickup. As we approached the truck, he reached into the back and pulled out a tool belt and threw it across my four wheeler. I could tell without a doubt they were my old tools, as I had made some repairs on them when I owned them and the repairs were still visible. He said,"Would you like to have them back?" I said, "I sure would, how much do you want for them?" He said "They're yours." I could hardly hold back the tears as I hurried back to the motorhome to show Linda what I had been given. This young man later told me that he knew the day I sold the tools to him that someday I would want them back. In fact, he told me that he had looked for me at the rodeo the year before, but I wouldn't have been ready for them and had he found me, it wouldn't have meant as much to me. I didn't know, until I wrote the letter to my injury, how much those tools meant to me.. After visiting with the fellow and his wife, we found out that he had worked in Montana for a couple of years, then had moved to California and worked there for about six years. He then moved to Washington state and worked for a few more years, before finding a steady job and moving back to Montana. My tools had worked in three states, taught numerous apprentices the trade, and still found their way home. That was truly a magical and wonderful day. I plan to make a shadow box or case of some kind out of old cedar power poles to display these wonderful artifacts. Someday I'll show them to my grand children and tell them the story of my lost tools. Miracles do happen, and we pray that a magical and wonderful thing like this lightens your load in life too.
This is a letter to the accident that rendered me a paraplegic, May 2nd, 1983.
I remember the day very vividly. It was a sunny, fairly warm, but windy spring day. I remember being happy to be alive and feeling lucky to have a job where I was able to work outdoors. I loved my job as a electric lineman. I was proud of my profession and proud of the company I worked for. I remember a stab of pain when I came into contact with a ungrounded conductor as I was unbelted, climbing over a crossarm. I remember thinking, as I was falling, that it was no big deal. I would just get up, dust myself off, and climb back up the pole. I remember the pain when I landed. I'd never experienced such intense pain in my life. I passed out from the pain, going in and out of conscienceness. I heard my co-worker, Larry calling may day on the radio. Once, when I opened my eyes, I saw a woman kneeling over me. I wondered if she was an angel, and asked her who she was. She said " My name is Lois. Is it alright if I pray for you?" I remember the pain becoming a little more bearable as she started praying. I didn't find out who "Lois" was till several months later.
Damn You!
You took away my identity. You took away my reason to be a man. You took away my sexuality. You took away the work I loved. When I was in the hooks, I always looked forward to getting up in the morning and going to work. I loved the smell of the wood and the leather, the feel of the hooks on my feet, the creeking sounds the pole made. I miss the perspective of the world from the top of a pole. The feeling of being on top of the world. I miss the comaraderie of my co-workers. I wish I hadn't sold my tools after my injury. They were a part of me, a part of my identity. I always took good care of my tools and I was proud of them. I thought I had to sell them when I came home from the hospital, but now I miss them and would like to have them back.
Damn You!
Do you know I have to work indoors now, at a desk, and put up with the politics of office work and bosses that don't understand what it means to work outside and then be forced to stop what you love doing. I could be outside, away from all that aggravation if it wasn't for you.
Damn You!
Do you know it takes me two hours every other day just to have a bowel movement? I sit on the throne and stick my finger up my a** for two hours just so I don't get sick or crap my pants.
Damn You!
Do you know I can't feel my penis? I forgot what it feels like to have a "normal" orgasm like a "normal" man. Do you know how frustrating that is?
Damn You!
Do you know I can't even pee like a "normal" man? I have to insert a plastic tube up my penis to drain my bladder. Do you know I get bladder infections all the time? Do you know a bladder infection has the potential to kill me?
Damn You!
Do you know I can't walk without braces and crutches? Do you know I can't even turn over in bed without sitting up? I have to wake up and turn over so I don't get pressure sores.
Damn You!
Do you know my lifespan will probably be shortened because of you? Do you know that some nights I don't sleep because of the pain I'm in from over-using my shoulders and hands? Do you know I had to give up playing wheelchair basketball because my joints couldn't take it anymore?
Damn You!
Do you know you probably shortened my wife's lifespan, as well as mine, because of the added strain on her body?
Damn You!
Do you know some people look at me with disdain and disgust? Do you know I'm discriminated against everyday because of my disability? Do you know I've seen parents pull their children away from me when they try to approach me?
Damn You!
Do you know I can't even feel if I hurt myself, or if I get too cold or too hot? I have burned my feet and don't even know how it occurred. Do you know that it's hours after I go to bed in the winter time before my feet get warm?
Thank You!
You made me realize how important and precious life is and not to take it for granted. You made me take a long, hard look at the way I lived my life and made me realize I needed to make some big changes in the way I treated other people and in my priorities.
Thank You!
You made me look at the world from the eyes of a person with a disability and realize that things were not going to change unless we, the disabled community, take the time and invest the effort to effect that change.
Thank You!
You probably made me a better lover to my mate because I'm not able to have a "normal" orgasm. I take more time and pay more attention to her needs while making love. You made me realize that there is more to making love than having sex.
Thank You!
As a result of you, I was able to participate in wheelchair sports for a time. I really regret not participating in sports in high school. In a small way, I was able to re-live my childhood through wheelchair sports, and that felt good!
Thank You!
As a result of my disability, and not being out of town working, I was able to be a larger part of my children's school life and extracurricular activities while they were growing up. I believe they are more loving, caring and tolerant because of their experiences with me and my disability.
Thank You!
I believe I'm becoming comfortable with myself and my disability, to a certain degree. I believe I'm actually a better person because of my disability, because of the way it has moreor less forced me to deal with different situations and the way I live my life. I think I'm more patient, more tolerant, and more understanding of other people. More compassionant, and more able to relate to people of differing abilities and different walks of life.
Thank You!
I believe I have made a difference to the disabled in this community, and I'm proud of that. I'll never stop advocating for the people in this world that tend to slip through the cracks.
Thank You!
I'm finally realizing that my work is not the most important thing in the world (my wife is) and that I'm ready to start enjoying the rest of my life with my wife and looking forward to every day I am fortunate enough to spend with her.
Thank You!
I really believe there is a God, who actually cares about us and looks over us. I think He has helped me arrive at this point in my life. I don't think I could have become the person I am today if I had not been rendered a paraplegic on that day in May.
Thank You!
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