&
THE BAD

THE

M. Mouse: "I didn't say she was crazy your honor, I said she was F*#king Goofy"

-- Drinking to get drunk.
ANSWER: Excuse me, I don't understand the question. Why else?

-- Trying to avoid or solving problems by drinking
ANSWER: What problems?

-- Becoming, loud, angry or violent after drinking.
ANSWER: Didn't you leave out lude? YOU DUMB F*#K , LEAVE LUDE OUT AGAIN AND I'LL KILL YA!

-- Drinking at inappropriate times, such as in the morning, before driving or before going to work.
ANSWER: Morning? Would that happen before noon? I'm clear there. Never get up before 2 p.m. That would also be before going to work. No, not before driving. Just after and during
-

--Drinking that causes other problems, harm or worry.
ANSWER: I worry that the bar I in don't sell takehome beer. I stub a toe every now and then. Is that harm?

--Developing an ulcer or gastritis
. ANSWER: Is that the same as not sh*#!ing solid?

SIGNS OF ALCOHOLISM:

 --Spending time thinking about drinking, planning when and where to get the next drink:
ANSWER: Don't have to think or plan, on Tuesdays I go to Xaviers and every other day I go to Sip N Stir

-- Hiding to bottles for quick pick-me-ups.
ANSWER: Other than that bottle that Melanie has of Rumple Minze, I'm clear here

-- Receiving citations for drinking while intoxicated.
ANSWER: I should get a medal for how often I have driven drunk over the last 25 years and never been busted!

-- Having an accident after any alcohol intake.
ANSWER: My car got plowed into on my way (not after) to a bar. God, that pissed  me off. By the time my car got towed it was too late to drink.

--Starting to drink without planning to, and losing track of the amount consumed.
ANSWER: This is so stupid. I always plan to drink. And I always keep track because I'm a cheap fucker.

-- Denying the amount of alcohol consumed:
ANSWER: Only when the bartender is trying to screw me!!!!

--Drinking alone.
ANSWER: Hello? Hello? Is anyone here? What am I supposed to do? Quit because the world is full of wimps? I'll bet the f*#er who made this quiz doesn't like smokers, either!

--Needing a drink before stressful situations.
ANSWER: Stress?  Is that a French word?

--Having no memory of what occurred while drinking, although the alcoholic may have appeared normal to others at the time ... "blackouts"
ANSWER: I don't recall the last time I appeared normal, in any sense.

--Incurring malnutrition and neglect.
ANSWER: French words again

-- Suffering from withdrawal symptoms, including delerium tremens
ANSWER: Well, dumb f*#ks, that is only if you quit drinking!!!!

The Pope calls in his top Cardinal and  he says, top Crad, I have good news & I have bad news  I had call from God!

Top Cardnial says "Great:", but what's the bad news?

The Pope says: he was calling from "Salt Lake City!"

 In West Virginia, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but not on the first date.

 In West Virginia, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals as long as they are first
 cousins.

 West Virginian's are banned from looking at the genitals of  a corpse, so undertakers turn the corpse over before having sex.

 The penalty for masturbation in West Virginia is decapitation.  In a related item West Virginia ranks lowest over all in glove sales in the world.  There are men( Called Uncles) in West Virginia whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young  virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...  Reason:  because if she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours.

In West Virginia, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband only by making him to a bath. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed by either a bath or shower.

Topless saleswomen are legal in West Virginia--but only at pickup truck dealers on Sunday.

In West Virginia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act, then she must go right back to school.

In West Virginia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time, but one of the family pets is OK.

 In West Virginia, it is illegal to sell condoms ( Better known as water balloons) from vending machines with one exception: condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in  places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises and not before second period.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing....... "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
-one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
-don't bother.  Just leave it out, no-one will notice.
-six; one to change it, and the other 5 to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
-none.  They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

The patrol car is right behind him and the guy finally realizes what he has done and pulls over. The patrolman walks up to him and asks for his drivers license. He then looks at the driver and says "this is my ticket for my shift and I really hate writing up a bunch of paperwork." "If you can give me an excuse I have never heard before" I will let you off. The driver thinks for a second and says: "officer, two weeks ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were the cop and trying to give her back to me."

The patrolman let him go...

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "there is  myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes  team from the pub --that makes 8!"

 Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in My army  waiting to move on my command."

 "Begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

 Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, The war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

 "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from  the farm." Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 Thousand  tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased
to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

 Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, The war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've Modified out  Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you Paddy that Io have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military  complex is srrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and  since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

 "Faith and begorra!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

 Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry  to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 "Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can feed  2  million prisoners."

The following are excerpted from actual letters received by our
Welfare Department in applications for support.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and Ihaven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.